I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
