Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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