Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
