found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
