just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
