Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
