thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
