Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
this beer tastes like vomit already
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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