Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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