Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
