Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
