fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
