I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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