you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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