I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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