I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Randomize
