I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
