i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
