I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
