im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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