I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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