Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
