Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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