I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We have so much sex to catch up on
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
