cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
