My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
