How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
