oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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