So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
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Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
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I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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