I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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