so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
