I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
