Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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