last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
