I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I think your dad took our porno
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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