Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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