There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
