I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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