I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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