Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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