I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
