you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
