You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
