remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
