Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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