It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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