also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
