I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
