his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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