I wish my penis had an off switch
my phone needs a breathalizer
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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