I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
