I think I just saw someone hide a body.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
