How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
