you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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