what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
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I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
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Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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