I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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