i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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