saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Randomize
