happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
